Baile d'amour

It’s hard to not feel wary that I may be acting like a crazy old fool.  It’s even harder to stop myself and harder still to have any real idea of whether anything my mind is thinking makes any sense whatsoever.

I’m falling in love with a man who likely will break my heart and leave it in Cuba with the millions of other lost broken dreams that have faded here.  Undoubtedly one of the most physically beautiful creatures I’ve ever touched or shared my body with and perhaps one of the strongest men I’ve ever known or been with in mind, body and spirit.  I keep telling myself to stop the train, get off and run the other direction as fast and far as possible, but the reality is I can’t resist him, nor do I want to.

Our first whole night together and I can’t remember if I slept or just stayed awake all night feeling him next to me just to feel him next to me. I only remember the moment he turned over and pulled me close and held me early in the morning as being a moment I wanted to last forever. 

He wakes and within minutes he’s inside me again making love to me the second time, his delicious voice over and over saying, “You feel so good, god you feel so good,” and ending with “I want to fall asleep inside you,” as he fills me with his release and passes out inside me bringing warmth and comfort to my whole being.  Time here stands still for a moment.  I wish it would stand still for a week.. or a lifetime.

I wonder if he knows what he’s doing to me or not.  I wonder if he is falling in love too or if he’s just having some good sex with a willing woman and enjoying some moments in Cuba away from his wife with a woman who is eager to take his beautiful black body for hours of pleasure.  There’s no way to know, part of me cares, part of me doesn’t.

I know it can’t last.  I know there’s absolutely no chance of a future with him, yet I couldn’t help but fantasizing today of someday coming here together and fixing up the finca where his parents live and running a drum and dance music camp. 

He’s just such a good man, and the more I watch how he communicates, how he connects with people and his easy way of being with others, the more I fall in love with him.  He has this sexy suave tenderness, not just with me, but with everyone he talks to, that is so inviting and so attractive. Seeing him here, in his home country, so comfortable, confident and absolutely undeniably sexy is such a turn on, I just want to keep him here in my arms as long as I can.

He feels so good falling asleep and going soft inside of me.   I wish this moment could last all day, but slowly he awakes and rolls off of me and I feel his semen start to ooze out of me, warming me once again.  When he gets up and starts to dress, my heart sinks a little.  I want him to want to stay here with me all day,  but he’s ready for his day, well rested, well loved, double sexed in the night and off for a day to help his family in every way he can while he’s here.  I totally get it and admire the fact that he is a man who prioritizes appropriately.

I find myself reacting pretty intensely to his disappearance without a proper goodbye when I’ve just been out pounding the pavement and getting soaked in the rain to find food for a good healthy breakfast for him after his run and that alone tells me I’m in trouble.   I spend an hour or so fighting back the desire to freak out.  I cry then convince myself he’s not worth crying over.  I start to fall into the pit of depression that once again I’ve fallen for a man who is sure to disappoint me, who already has more than a few times. 

I work hard to convince myself I won’t answer his calls and won’t sleep with him anymore.  It’s done.  I don’t need this shit after all, and it’s just a heartbreak coming and nothing more anyway.   I write myself out of it, pull up my big girl pants, remember that he will be back, and that he left to take care of his family which is admirable and noble and I let it go and walk to my drum class.

He calls while I’m gone for lunch and I head out for music for the evening hoping he will call in a moment where I can actually hear the phone ring.  He does and we make a plan to meet for a show at the Casa de la Musica.  He shows up dressed head to toe in white and I am sure I’ve never seen a more handsome regal looking man in my life.  I want to devour him, but he’s with the family and I know tonight I have to be just a friend, not his lover.  I wish I had taken time to change clothes to look nicer for him, but this is Cuba after all so what ever.

He makes a point to remind me early in the night that we can’t be “hot for each other” because he’s with his family, so I try hard to ignore him and spend most of the night dancing with his cousin and uncle.  I feel him watching me carefully, and I get totally turned on by the fact that he and I have this secret between us, but also a little worried that truly anyone with eyes can probably see it anyway. 

After several dances with his cousin, he gives me the nod and extends his hand to me and we dance salsa, the only two on the floor and I feel like a queen with her king.  He is such a beautiful dancer, so suave, so strong, so clear, and the smile on his face shows me that he is enjoying me too.  I know his whole family is watching and I do my best to stay on point but not over the top.  We dance three dances, his smile touches my heart deeply.  The whole time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him so happy. 

I notice that we dance together much better now after so much love making, our bodies know each other better, we trust each other more, there is more freedom, more love, more of everything good between us and the chemistry is magical.  The dances end and I float back to my chair to ground down for a few moments. 

Later in the night, he shows some jealousy and I am touched by it. I begin to realize perhaps something is happening for him too when, after dropping his sister off at her house, he casually drops the line, “What are you doing to me?” and all I can say is, “I don’t know but I think it’s happening to me too.”  We are silent for the rest of the drive back to my place holding hands and the energy in our fingers comes directly from our hearts.

He is already asleep when I get to my bed.  I curl myself around his perfect black body and pray.  He wakes me in the night and makes love to me so sweetly and so deeply that I know it will be a long time before I will want another man after he leaves.  Dawn will come too soon as always.  Only 3 days left before he has to return. I don’t know how I’m not going to break down when he goes.  I don’t know if I will last that long even.