Throw it out!

I wake up wanting him and fighting the deep depression and grief that wants to take me over, consume me and leave me here crippled to my core.  Finally after an hour or so laying in bed holding myself and wishing he was next to me or inside of me, I get up begrudgingly and try to think of what I can do today to be of some service to my project. 

I find one of my earrings in the bed and when I try to fix it, it breaks completely.  I throw it in the trash and realize I need to do the same thing with this man.  It’s broken, I can’t fix it, it’s got no potential to be useful. I need to toss it aside and walk away without another thought.  Damn I wish I was that strong, but I’m not. 

I dial the number he called me from last night and let it ring twice and hang up, maybe he will see that I called and try to call, but I doubt it. My heart hurts and I feel totally lost in the world.  What the fuck am I doing here?  Nearly 10 days in, and I have nothing to show for my time but this journal of a heartbreak.  I don’t even know what to do first, how to start, or what I want to do anymore.

Nothing that I’ve found here is really “it.”  It’s all OK, and decent distractions, but the reality is I’m not getting too far and I’m not feeling at all in the flow.  I need a lifetime here, not a few weeks.   It’s just not enough, I don’t know how any short period of time ever could be.  I want to live here and not have to leave.    

I think getting out of the city really will be good for me, and I am looking forward to the upcoming trip in a few days to Cinnefuego and Trinidad.